My birthday is almost here ! That means time to pause for self reflection. For decades, I associated getting another year older with the beginning of a new school year – as a student, mother or teacher. As an athlete, coach and entrepreneur it shows up right when we’re winding down the endurance sport season and planning for new races and projects. 

My Approach to Reflection

Before I share my year 53 race report, let me explain my approach. I start by taking inventory of what happened during the previous 12 months – good and bad. I write down as many things as I can remember and then start sifting through all the emotions and desires. It’s a chance to step back and see how the small wins along the way added up to bigger progress. I celebrate achievements and highlight areas where growth happened. I dig into the missteps and identify opportunities for improvement. It’s deep and meaningful. 

Through my years as a CPA, parent, teacher, and now as a coach and business owner, I’ve learned a valuable lesson: you can’t fix all your problems at once. Stubborn challenges like procrastination and people-pleasing tend to resurface each year. Instead of trying to “solve” them, I’m learning new skills each year that set me up for bigger progress. This year was a test of patience. Some goals would have to wait in order to create space for that one big breakthrough of the year. 

Surviving the Year of the No-Goal Goal

I know myself well enough that I thrive on having a goal to work towards. I love the challenge of working on something new, the structure and reliability of having a training plan to follow, and most of all that feeling when you tick off each milestone along the way. After several years of tapping into that mental strength to keep going when I don’t want to, my brain was a little tired. 

It was more than focusing on my athletic goals. The last few years have been pretty intense from a personal and professional standpoint: growing a business, dealing with my weight, navigating tense family relations, supporting my daughter’s mental health and living through a toxic political climate. I recognized that I needed a break from spending the mental energy used to convince myself to get to the pool and deal with chlorine sensitivity and speed work. 

There was way too much stress this year in my life that had nothing to do with training. I deemed this the year of no goals. I kept showing up in the gym and in the water but had no deadlines or big races on the books. Every day, my blue and yellow ‘Forward is a Pace’ (link to ForwardISaPaceBook.com) bracelet reminded me that whatever I did was enough, and that all my goals would still be there when I was ready. 

The Damage of Diet Culture

Sharing my ups and downs is what being REAL is all about, but when you’re going through something deep, it’s hard to talk about. Almost two years ago, I started working with Alix from Schram Nutrition to undo the damage that diet culture had done to my mind and body. The first thing I learned: I don’t have a bad relationship with food. I was taught to blame food for making me fat, but that was wrong. There was never anything wrong with my size or the food I ate. 

The problem was the stories I was being told about my body being the wrong size, about being too loud or too smart that left me feeling like I didn’t fit in. I was suffering emotionally and mentally. Food was a source of comfort and was always there without judgement. I turned to food again and again to numb the pain. But the message remained the same: thin is better.

I tried different diets and thought that I had found the solution. I lost over 60 pounds. I was in the best shape of my life, completing physical challenges that I never imagined possible – triathlons, marathons, obstacle course races. I even used the “success” of my smaller body to start a business and inspire hundreds of women to start their own health and fitness journey. While I wish I never let the dirty claws of diet culture dig into me, I am still proud of the positive impact I made along the way.

The Elephant in the Room

The elephant in the room is that I gained all the weight back. Diets are band-aids and I had a bigger wound that needed attention. While I worked behind the scenes with my nutrition therapist, I was determined to keep chasing athletic goals. I shifted my focus to marathon and ice swimming, where I was less bothered by my larger body. 

I found my voice again and began advocating for body acceptance in endurance sports. I listened to athletes that I coach and am connected with on social media who thank me regularly for speaking out on their behalf and creating a safe space. The louder I got, the more empowered I felt in my mission to build belief, belonging, and confidence in all athletes, including those who are LGBTQ, disabled, old, and slow.

Despite my athletic accomplishments, our society continues to see me as obese first. From the countless trolls who question calling myself an athlete to the nurse practitioner who told me that I should walk more to improve my cardiovascular health less than a month before my first 10 mile swim. And don’t get me started on the struggle for athletes in larger bodies to find gear that fits. Fat shaming continues. 

I have finally given myself permission to lose weight. I know it sounds weird, but I actually felt guilty at one point for wanting that smaller body again. This is the difference between body neutrality and toxic body positivity. My body is a vessel that carries me through life. I can be proud of its strength, wish it were smaller and not care what it looks like all at the same time. 

My Big Breakthrough

My big breakthrough this year is that I relearned how to understand my hunger cues, enjoy food without judgement, and make decisions about what I eat without feeling like I need to measure or overanalyze every bite. The truth is that food saved my life. What if I had turned to drugs or alcohol instead? This is a lot to carry around.

Beyond the Breakthrough

While I was working on that one big breakthrough a bunch of other really awesome things happened, too. I found freedom by setting some clear boundaries, I witnessed my daughter battle her way out of a dark place, I learned that my son was accepted to Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I shared the most special memories in Paris commemorating 25 years since the day Mark & I got engaged. 

My business had a ton of good stress, too. I kept managing the Team B*REAL (link to my webpage) community, coaching private athletes, and running online challenges as usual. I enhanced my own knowledge and shared my expertise through book talks and podcast appearances.

Somehow I managed to add all of this as well: 

• Volunteered as a swim coach with Special Olympics
• Launched the Forward Is a Pace Indoor Timed Triathlon (link to my webpage)
• Invited to be Keynote speaker for iTri Mentor Day
• Organized the Women Leaders Moving Forward Together Interview Series 
• Certified USMS Adult Learn to Swim Instructor
• Coached the first Race4Chase program at the Stoughton YMCA 
• Held the first REAL Mock Triathlon Clinic
• Collaborated with Ample Movement  and Inner Strength to offer customized yoga and strength programs for all REAL athletes.

There are days that I feel like I haven’t done much and then I look back on this list and get inspired to keep moving forward. 

Your Own Reflection

I encourage you to do your own reflection and would love to hear about your breakthrough moments and goals. You can send me an email  or reach out through my website. If you don’t want to do it alone, I’ll be working through reflections and goals personally or in a small group with all of my athletes over the next three months. Schedule a free consultation call and we’ll figure out a goal together to build belief, belonging, and confidence in you.